I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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