Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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