Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
