im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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