So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
