Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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