My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
