Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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