you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
