Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
