No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
