I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
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And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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