There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
