Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
