My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
a search helicopter?!
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
