i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
