this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
