Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
