Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
