I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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