On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
