Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
How does one acquire holy water?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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