my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The best revenge is premature balding
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
