Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
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