I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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