Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
