Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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