My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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