Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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