Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
