she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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