im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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