You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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