I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
