How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
