I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
In America we eat man semen.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I need a beard to bite.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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