It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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