Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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