I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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