dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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