Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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