He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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