guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
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Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize