i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
