He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
