what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
barbara walters just said penis...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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