I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
