Just mADE A PArabola og urine
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
