so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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