One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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