I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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