i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
