so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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