I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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