i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
