he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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