you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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