i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
This is my gift to your gina
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
