I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
