well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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