Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
