Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
